April 1, 2014
Owen Dell and Associates, LLC is pleased to announce our new PlantTechSupport™ program for plants. Unlike anything else in the industry, we will now offer complete on-line support for troubleshooting problems with trees, shrubs, perennials, bulbs, grasses, and ground covers. Thanks to new developments in GIS, GPS, NSA monitoring, and satellite-based remote phototelemetry technology, we are now able to remotely assess pest and disease problems on any plant, including root and soil problems, even for plants under the cover of overhanging trees and shrubs. Our highly trained PlantTechSupport™ technical staff is ready to help you with your plant problems, on any species, anywhere in the world. Because our service is performed remotely, costs are much less than conventional on-site services. PlantTechSupport™ is available on a one-time basis, or as an annual subscription that will cover all your needs without additional fees. Please use the link at the end of this document to contact us for further information.
So that you better understand our PlantTechSupport™ service, here is an actual sample report:
Thank you for contacting PlantTechSupport™ regarding problems with your peach tree. We hope the following information is helpful to you. If not, please feel free to contact us.
Your case number is 10478∞¢236//uytr234πmm99Ò9.3 (please hold down the option, tilde, sound volume, and page down keys while typing the third to the last digit of your case number).
Re: Peach Tree at [redacted]
PEACH TREE: Your version of Peach™ is no longer compatible with your operating system. We recommend that you upgrade to Peach™ 4.0, which is available at most nurseries. The regular price is $89.50, but as a registered user you can buy the upgrade for just $44.95, shipping not included (NOTE: In order to qualify for the upgrade, you must have the serial number and/or the original operating manual for your current version of Peach™). The upgrade does not include Roots™ but you can easily graft Peach™ 4.0 onto your existing Roots™.
Peach™ 4.0 includes a number of improvements over your old version, including auto-bloom, self-shedding foliage and full upward compatibility with all the older versions of Aphid™, Mealybug™ and Curlyleaf™ (except for Curlyleaf Express™, which is no longer supported). We think you’ll love the new Peach™, and you won’t miss the old one at all.
When you upgrade, you’ll also have to get the latest version of Soil™ 4.1.1b. (We don’t recommend Soil™ versions 3.0 through 4.1.0, as they were buggy.) You’ll need to do a full upgrade on your Soil™ platform; this involves heavy equipment and you may want us to do this for you. While you’re upgrading Soil™, you might as well get the latest versions of Subsoil™ and Bedrock™. If you uncover any earthquake faults while doing this upgrade (this is not uncommon), you will need to install a copy of Engineering Geologist™ 3.7.2 and possibly God™ 1.0.
To take full advantage of all the features of Peach™ 4.0, we recommend that you change from Water™ 1.0, which you seem to presently be using, to Evian™ 184.108.40.206b. Water™, which was great back when you bought your property, is no longer as reliable as it once was and most people are switching over to Evian™, which seems to be stable so far. It will cost you more, but Peach™ really rocks when it’s teamed up with Evian™. You’ll be thrilled! All you need to do is install 400 2-litre bottles of Evian™ around the tree once a week (twice a week if you’re using Heat Wave™ 98.6 or higher; none at all when using any version of Rain™ (except Rain Lite™)).
Finally, we would love to be able to advise you to upgrade to Clean Air™ 7.5.2a, but it’s no longer being made and the company has been acquired by the developers of Smog™, Ozone™, and Crud™. The best approach is to clean up your system by using Ocean Breeze™ once a week or so, if it is available in your area.
Peach™ 4.0 comes with great support. Just call our support technician Jason on his cell phone at (555) 777-1217. The average wait time is 3 growing seasons. Your first call is free except for service and airtime charges; these will be billed to your credit card (no need to give us the number, we already have it).
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS: The property you’re working with is very old and we are surprised that you are still able to use it as successfully as you do. You’re going to find that support for Earth™ 1.0 will get harder and harder to obtain, and it won’t be long before it will have to be taken out of service. You may want to save yourself a lot of trouble and get much better performance by making the leap to an entirely new platform. We know you’ve been happy with Earth™, but times have changed. Look into Mars™, Venus™, or even one of the new, super-fast versions of Asteroid™. Visit their great websites for more information. We will be happy to help you make the change whenever you’re ready.
Thank you for letting us assist you with this matter. Please let us know when you’re ready to upgrade.
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